Back to the Drawing Board...

Well, it's happened. I figured it would happen at some point, but not this soon. With everything that's been going on in my life, from my best friend's mom passing away after two weeks in ICU, and now my mother-in-law is ill, and my cello has been put on the Bach burner. Throw in the holiday and the constant rush, and I have lost almost every single skill I'd finally developed on cello. My bowing is back to the point where my A-string sounds like a whiny, out-of-tune, muted brass instrument. I can't find any of my pitches without searching. My practice sessions have almost unfailingly ended with me putting my cello away in tears.

I truly don't feel like continuing. I really, really want to quit...But my family won't let me. Why??

They see my frustration, and my hurt. I've even threatened to sell my cellos...both of them. Looking at them makes me cry. Playing them makes me cry because I'm mad at myself, because I can't get my body to do what I know I've done in the past. Practice sessions have become fleeting, unproductive, and frustrating. They see that. They see my anger at not being able to find even a simple scale without error. They see my pain as the tension in my shoulders begins to cause pain in my arms and hands. They see my desire to play waning, and they see that I'm lost in the sea of craziness.

But, they also see something in me that I don't see right now. They see the dream that I've lost sight of in the hurried craziness that has become my life of late. They see the passion that I began this journey with, and all the effort that I've put in. They see how well I played before life went crazy. They know the difference that music has made in my life, and the safe haven that it became after my depression abated. They know that I can do great things with my cello when I'm given enough time and quiet to practice and work carefully. They see the longing in my eyes when I look at my cello during the times that I walk past it and brush the strings, or lay my hand lovingly on the shoulders. I literally cried on that the other day.... and quickly wiped it away so as not to damage it.

I know I'm going to have to start over again, and that's the toughest pill to swallow. My family knows my threats to sell my cello are idle, and even if they weren't, they wouldn't let me do it because they know I'd miss it in time. So I will take a break for now, and go back to the drawing board when I begin again. The love is still there, as is the desire...but life has seen to it that I will have to fight for it.

And fight, I will (eventually), because...

#celloislife