No, really. Doubt kills.
No, it doesn't kill YOU. But it kills your desire to play, your will to practice, your ability to process new skills... doubt KILLS.
Over the last week, I've been dealing with trying to learn one of Elgar's Enigma variations... "Nimrod," Let's just say it hasn't been going well. I spent an entire lesson on it, and a third of the way through. So my teacher wrote fingerings out for the rest of what we didn't get to, and we had gone over the hardest part. That's great, right? Wrong. I mean, yes... it's great. But then when you don't get to practice for a couple days, then try to go back and get it right, it's sooooooo discouraging. I sat down and tried to get even the first two lines... no dice.
So, here we are, five days later, and guess how many times I've gotten through it. You guessed it... ZIP. Zilch. Nada. Not even once. Not one. Single. Time. Why?? Because doubt kills! It's not that I CAN'T get through it. It's that I don't think I can get through it. Numerous people cheer me on. All my friends in my groups have been uber-supportive. My orchestra people think I'll be fine. Heck, even my cello teacher believes I can accomplish it. But I have a ton of self-doubt weighing down my bow arm. I pull out the piece from my folder and just stare blankly at it. I'm at the point where I'm even starting to resent it... and that's a mild term for my distaste.
Doubt kills.
When you don't think you can get through it, you don't even want to look at it. It's an absolutely beautiful chorale to listen to. But I hate it. I don't even like listening to it now. Like I don't even know what to do with it. I know what I need to do with it.... but I don't want to DO it, because...
Doubt kills.
It has killed my desire to practice. Completely. I'm trying desperately to keep it from infecting my other pieces. It's already infecting my orchestra practice. I'm starting to think, "If I can't play Elgar, why am I bothering with the others?" I can PLAY the others. But...
Doubt kills.
It has killed my self-confidence. I've posted videos and everyone (okay, most people) tells me how great I'm doing for how long I've played. I have hiccups and every so often, I blow a note, or even a whole line. And up to now, I've been okay with that. I'm still a beginner. And that, my friend, is what I've forgotten, because...
Doubt kills.
It's okay to have doubts. It's okay to indulge in them once in a while. But it is NOT okay to let them continue to eat away at you. Get up. Brush yourself off. Get back on the horse (or in this case, the cello...). Try again. Whether that requires meditation, or just playing around and exploring your cello, playing fun pieces that you know, or just doing scales with vibrato to rebuild your confidence, do it. There's something to be said about reaffirmation. Take a deep breath. Put on some tea, coffee, hot cocoa, or anything you can do to just relax and remind yourself that you KNOW how to do a LOT on your cello. Video record yourself, and then go back in a month and look how far you've come. Use the time to go back and rebuild your confidence.
--DON'T let it sit and eat away at you for weeks, or even days.
--DON'T let it steal your joy of playing.
--DON'T let it undermine your goals and everything you've learned by not practicing.
It's okay to go and have a good cry, or even a little tantrum. Take a break, take a breath, go for a walk or out for coffee. Your cello won't die because you put it down for ten minutes or an hour, or even a day. But DON'T let it go longer than that because...
DOUBT KILLS.
And it CAN kill your cello playing, if you let it.
Happy Cello'ing! #celloislife